Today we went with Mary Graham to meet with a pediatric neurosurgeon. A neurosurgeon specializes in spinal and brain issues. This was originally scheduled to be a follow up after the MRI, which you now know didn't happen last week. But our genetics doctor told us to go ahead and meet with him. I am just trusting that God is ordering everything now that things have been changed around from what we were expecting.
Not knowing what to expect and realizing we may not get any answers regarding her condition, it was a good appointment. Lee and I both really liked the doctor and he was so clear and answered many of our questions. He went into some detail about some conditions of the spine that MG could have, some more serious than others, but he didn't spend too much time on that. He needs the MRI scans to really know what is going on with her.
I had one prayer for this appointment - that we would hear something encouraging. God answered. The neurosurgeon examined her and told us that her eye contact and facial expression are excellent, which he said is a sign of intellect in an baby her age. She smiled and cooed for him and I'm so thankful. Although it may seem small, it was huge in my book. God's goodness is evident even in the smallest things.
After today, I have really been overwelmed with the prayers and support for Mary Graham and our family right now. It feels like you are carrying our burden with us and you have been so encouraging when I needed to be lifted up. So, if you are praying for her, thank you....I wish I could thank you all face to face....it means more than you know. I have witnessed the power of prayer and know God hears us. For each of you, I am forever grateful.
So no more appointments for the next few weeks until the MRI. Hoping for some rest until then, after being emotionally exhausted this last week with the ups and downs, and for God to continue to prepare our hearts and minds for what is to come.
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Promise of Restoration
The verse that has hit me so deeply throughout Mary Graham's sickness came a few days after the MRI didn't happen as we had expected, calling various doctors and becoming rather frustrated because I seemed to know more about her condition than they did at times. God says in Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." As I continued to read more of these verses it goes on to say how Jeremiah was confined in a courtyard, trapped and helpless...But the Lord speaks to him and tells him to call on him. At times I have felt trapped and helpless-especially because I can't help MG right now. I can't fix my child. But God knows great and unsearchable things, and believe me, I have searched and searched to tried to find the answers on the internet, which has only left me in tears. He can restore her and I need not trust in anything but His perfect way.
As the Lord continues to speak to Jeremiah he talks of the promise of "health and healing and let his people enjoy abundant peace and security....and will rebuild them as they were before...and his people will bring joy, praise and honor before all the nations of the earth that hear of all the good things (the Lord) does for it. They will be in awe and tremble at the peace I provide. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever." I pray for that peace that makes me tremble that only God can provide. I don't know what God has planned for MG and her life ahead, but I know he can restore her health if he chooses to. But, as difficult as it is, I will praise and thank him for his goodness and his promise to restore all that is broken in this world.
I admit, some days are hard, I want to be on a different path but I am praying that God will continue to show me great and unsearchable things through Mary Graham. He knows what her future holds and that should be enough.
As the Lord continues to speak to Jeremiah he talks of the promise of "health and healing and let his people enjoy abundant peace and security....and will rebuild them as they were before...and his people will bring joy, praise and honor before all the nations of the earth that hear of all the good things (the Lord) does for it. They will be in awe and tremble at the peace I provide. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever." I pray for that peace that makes me tremble that only God can provide. I don't know what God has planned for MG and her life ahead, but I know he can restore her health if he chooses to. But, as difficult as it is, I will praise and thank him for his goodness and his promise to restore all that is broken in this world.
I admit, some days are hard, I want to be on a different path but I am praying that God will continue to show me great and unsearchable things through Mary Graham. He knows what her future holds and that should be enough.
The Words of Men
After having some discouraging phone conversations the last week with some nurses and doctors about Mary Graham's hips and spine condition and if/when it is treatable, I was very troubled. But that day, immediately God led me to the words of Amy Carmichael, "Do not be weighted down with "flying words". Do not expect your peace to come from the mouths of men....or penetrate your shield. But the Lord our creator knows! Let not your heart be troubled. Don't you know that I understand what you are suffering? What do men's words matter to me, or to you?"
I have been searching for my peace in what the doctors tell me, hanging on their every word, who wouldn't, after all, they are the ones who should know everything. And, of course, we do pray for wise doctors throughout this process and that God will work through them and we know He will. But my peace can not come from what they say or don't say, and we are hearing a lot from all different sides right now and many things are being lost in communication with one another. But, God stands firm, he is unchanging...."when my world in shaking, heaven stands." I am so thankful for our doctors and nurses who are doing their best to know what is wrong with MG, but I am most thankful for the Greater Physician who already knows. The sign in her room that was painted long before she was born says, "I knitted you together in your mother's womb. I praise you because I fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, I know them full well."
I have been searching for my peace in what the doctors tell me, hanging on their every word, who wouldn't, after all, they are the ones who should know everything. And, of course, we do pray for wise doctors throughout this process and that God will work through them and we know He will. But my peace can not come from what they say or don't say, and we are hearing a lot from all different sides right now and many things are being lost in communication with one another. But, God stands firm, he is unchanging...."when my world in shaking, heaven stands." I am so thankful for our doctors and nurses who are doing their best to know what is wrong with MG, but I am most thankful for the Greater Physician who already knows. The sign in her room that was painted long before she was born says, "I knitted you together in your mother's womb. I praise you because I fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, I know them full well."
Wait
We are still waiting on a diagnosis. And we waited a month for the spinal MRI to happen on June 22nd and many were praying for Mary Graham. Well, God had other plans that day. They were unable to do the MRI because of her neck, she can only turn it to one side. They didn't want to force the tube down her throat and risk injuring or infecting her throat. So, they didn't go through with it. Instead it has been rescheduled for July 21st, where they will prep her in an OR so they have the right tools to intubate her and then take her down to MRI.
I was totally surprised when the anesthesiologist came out and said the MRI wasn't going to happen. But I felt immediate peace that God didn't want it to happen and He had a reason for it. The first verse I read that morning was from Psalm 127: "The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life." I recited this over and over and God did just that, he protected MG from harm when they weren't able to do the procedure and maybe he protected her for reasons we may never know. Regardless, I know it was disappointing not to have it, but I was totally able to trust that God needed us to wait another month. He showed me this verse in Psalm 27, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
So, we wait some more....and I am choosing to trust in His goodness through all this, even on the hard days. I have given up trying to plan, because His plan prevails and is best.
I was totally surprised when the anesthesiologist came out and said the MRI wasn't going to happen. But I felt immediate peace that God didn't want it to happen and He had a reason for it. The first verse I read that morning was from Psalm 127: "The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life." I recited this over and over and God did just that, he protected MG from harm when they weren't able to do the procedure and maybe he protected her for reasons we may never know. Regardless, I know it was disappointing not to have it, but I was totally able to trust that God needed us to wait another month. He showed me this verse in Psalm 27, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
So, we wait some more....and I am choosing to trust in His goodness through all this, even on the hard days. I have given up trying to plan, because His plan prevails and is best.
Satisfy
When all of this came about with MG, I said to myself "no, no... this is not happening to me and my child." I really was in disbelief for the first two weeks and was so, so fearful and I still am at times. Fearful for MG's life and the difficult road she may face. And at times, I admit, even angry. I have grieved the loss of my dream, the dream of my perfect family and children and the plan I had for them....but God's plan prevails and it is good.
As we sat in the waiting room of the orthopedist's office at the beginning of all of this, I began to read the verses in Philippians "be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and petition, with thanks, present your requests to God..." A verse that I had read many, many times in times of fear. But that day I continued to read through the chapter where it says, "for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation." That is where I shut my bible. No thanks, God. I really don't want to go there. I don't want you to teach me what it's like to be content in ALL circumstances. I don't want to go down this path. I was looking forward to a pleasant, easy life. As I read the words of Amy Carmichael, she speaks of accepting your circumstances, all of them. When are you really ready to accept all that God has put before you and open your hands and say, "Dear Lord, yes." I was saying, "Dear Lord, no."
We would begin to listen to doctors, nurses, specialists and I would search the internet, the internet.... a good, but dangerous place to go. One of the first verses God showed me in Proverbs says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." And I would return to this verse over and over again, knowing in my heart that His plan is best and it is good. It may not be what I want, but I will walk that path, even if I don't like it some days.
Satisfy. A word that kept coming to my mind and then seeing it throughout scripture...."with a long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation"..."satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love"..."my soul will be satisified as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise you." I hunger and thirst for something else, something that only He can fill, not this world. The song "Blessings" by Laura Story (if you haven't heard it, you must) says, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the achings of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy." There was that word again. This world can't satisfy me, although I want it to at times and God does bless us in many ways here...but I am thirsting for another world, one that doesn't disappoint. Isn't this where God wants us to be? To remember, daily, that this is not our home, and for that I am so thankful.
This trial, and there will be more to come, is revealing a greater thirst in me and I know only He can satisfy. Again, Amy Carmichael (my best friend these days) says "He has allowed me to come into these humbling circumstances so that He may feed me, not this world." Allowed. Someone just told me that if we could see all that God was doing in our lives during difficult trials, we would pray for more.
As we sat in the waiting room of the orthopedist's office at the beginning of all of this, I began to read the verses in Philippians "be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and petition, with thanks, present your requests to God..." A verse that I had read many, many times in times of fear. But that day I continued to read through the chapter where it says, "for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation." That is where I shut my bible. No thanks, God. I really don't want to go there. I don't want you to teach me what it's like to be content in ALL circumstances. I don't want to go down this path. I was looking forward to a pleasant, easy life. As I read the words of Amy Carmichael, she speaks of accepting your circumstances, all of them. When are you really ready to accept all that God has put before you and open your hands and say, "Dear Lord, yes." I was saying, "Dear Lord, no."
We would begin to listen to doctors, nurses, specialists and I would search the internet, the internet.... a good, but dangerous place to go. One of the first verses God showed me in Proverbs says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." And I would return to this verse over and over again, knowing in my heart that His plan is best and it is good. It may not be what I want, but I will walk that path, even if I don't like it some days.
Satisfy. A word that kept coming to my mind and then seeing it throughout scripture...."with a long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation"..."satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love"..."my soul will be satisified as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise you." I hunger and thirst for something else, something that only He can fill, not this world. The song "Blessings" by Laura Story (if you haven't heard it, you must) says, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the achings of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy." There was that word again. This world can't satisfy me, although I want it to at times and God does bless us in many ways here...but I am thirsting for another world, one that doesn't disappoint. Isn't this where God wants us to be? To remember, daily, that this is not our home, and for that I am so thankful.
This trial, and there will be more to come, is revealing a greater thirst in me and I know only He can satisfy. Again, Amy Carmichael (my best friend these days) says "He has allowed me to come into these humbling circumstances so that He may feed me, not this world." Allowed. Someone just told me that if we could see all that God was doing in our lives during difficult trials, we would pray for more.
Mary Graham
My husband and I prayed and prayed about having a third child and God blessed us with Mary Graham. After I had her, I truly was obsessed with this precious baby, I guess knowing that she was probably my last baby and trying to enjoy her. All I wanted to do was hold her :)
Well, she is almost 4 months old and much has happened in her little life. I began to notice some things about her back not being even, her legs not quite right and her muscles seemed tight. So, after taking her in for a virus one Saturday, I mentioned these things to the doctor and he immediately became concerned. We were sent to see an orthopedist and there he diagnosed her with severe scoliosis and significant hip dysplasia with high muscle tone. We were then told to go to UAB genetics, which can take weeks to get in....we got in in 2 days. That was over two months ago. We have met with the genetics doctor and have had other xrays done and are now awaiting a spinal MRI on July 21st to show more about what kind of condition she could possibly have. It has been a long process with lots of waiting. These are the basic facts about her medical condition. Now you can continue to read on to see how God has been walking right beside me during this very uncertain time.
Well, she is almost 4 months old and much has happened in her little life. I began to notice some things about her back not being even, her legs not quite right and her muscles seemed tight. So, after taking her in for a virus one Saturday, I mentioned these things to the doctor and he immediately became concerned. We were sent to see an orthopedist and there he diagnosed her with severe scoliosis and significant hip dysplasia with high muscle tone. We were then told to go to UAB genetics, which can take weeks to get in....we got in in 2 days. That was over two months ago. We have met with the genetics doctor and have had other xrays done and are now awaiting a spinal MRI on July 21st to show more about what kind of condition she could possibly have. It has been a long process with lots of waiting. These are the basic facts about her medical condition. Now you can continue to read on to see how God has been walking right beside me during this very uncertain time.
The journey
God has chosen a path for me, not one i'm always going to like, but this is where I am.....a wife of an amazing husband and mother of three precious children, ages 5, 3 and 4 months, which I love and wouldn't change for anything. God has chosen to use my children to teach me the most and and here is where I'll begin....
Our second daughter was hospitalized with a serious infection at 3 weeks old that brought my husband and me to our knees. Not to go into great detail, but she was very sick after bringing her to the ER where she was in shock and the doctors were baffled about what could be wrong with her. She began having seizures, kidney and liver problems and her EEG showed brain damage. After almost 2 weeks in the ICU, the doctors didn't know what else to do and said she wasn't getting any better. But the prayers of many were heard and God healed her. Never before had I been so fearful and uncertain, and yet, never before had I seen God so clearly either. "Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron." Psalm 107. God showed me this verse and it will forever be what I praise him for when I look at her.
Never had I been so shaken and clung to God more. My perspective in life truly changed for the better. At times, after she was better and home and doing so well and life got back to normal, I almost envied those dark days when I was so close to the Lord. Envied the dark days? But did I really want to go back there? When my path is calm and peaceful I tend to depend more on myself, not on God, and as hard as it was, I can finally say I am thankful for that trial.
Well, that wasn't the end of the journey for me. Honestly, I have thought, we have done our time, had our rough patch, now things can just go about how I have planned with my family. Thank you very much. But as I get older and see what more we are faced with, and those around me suffering, I'm realizing it's only the beginning of a story. A story where I'm going to try and let Him write the rest.
Our second daughter was hospitalized with a serious infection at 3 weeks old that brought my husband and me to our knees. Not to go into great detail, but she was very sick after bringing her to the ER where she was in shock and the doctors were baffled about what could be wrong with her. She began having seizures, kidney and liver problems and her EEG showed brain damage. After almost 2 weeks in the ICU, the doctors didn't know what else to do and said she wasn't getting any better. But the prayers of many were heard and God healed her. Never before had I been so fearful and uncertain, and yet, never before had I seen God so clearly either. "Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron." Psalm 107. God showed me this verse and it will forever be what I praise him for when I look at her.
Never had I been so shaken and clung to God more. My perspective in life truly changed for the better. At times, after she was better and home and doing so well and life got back to normal, I almost envied those dark days when I was so close to the Lord. Envied the dark days? But did I really want to go back there? When my path is calm and peaceful I tend to depend more on myself, not on God, and as hard as it was, I can finally say I am thankful for that trial.
Well, that wasn't the end of the journey for me. Honestly, I have thought, we have done our time, had our rough patch, now things can just go about how I have planned with my family. Thank you very much. But as I get older and see what more we are faced with, and those around me suffering, I'm realizing it's only the beginning of a story. A story where I'm going to try and let Him write the rest.
Seeking Daily Bread
So I'm entering the blog world....a little hesitant, but I hope this blog will be a place where I share my heart and somewhat of an outlet for me, a way to process the journey that God is taking me on. Writing comes easier to me, rather than speaking and helps me "get out" everything in my head.
My prayer is that God will just change me through the words that I type and then I may look back and see all He has done and His goodness. He is revealing himself to me in mighty ways and I want to share with others, so He can receive the praise and glory.
So, much of my blog will be a mix of what God is teaching me and more details of my life, a place where I can be real. So if you are choosing to read, I hope you will see God's amazing grace as I do.
"Daily bread" is a phrase I've said all my life in the Lord's prayer, but never until now has it struck me so....so deeply. God's grace and mercy are enough for today. Today.... not weekly, monthly, yearly. Just as He supplied the manna for the Israelites, He is continuing to supply me with enough grace for today. I am trying focus on Him and to live for Him daily. After all, scripture clearly tells us not to worry about tomorrow. This is hard. I am a planner. I want to know what is coming next. The unknown, as you will learn about me, is one of my biggest fears....but that is what always brings me back to Him. I am trying to be thankful for today.
As I have learned in the last several years, God's plan always prevails over mine (thank goodness) and because of such uncertainty in my life right now, I am choosing to "seek daily bread." I hope to do this well, although I fail, over and over again. I am thankful for his mercies that are new every morning.
My prayer is that God will just change me through the words that I type and then I may look back and see all He has done and His goodness. He is revealing himself to me in mighty ways and I want to share with others, so He can receive the praise and glory.
So, much of my blog will be a mix of what God is teaching me and more details of my life, a place where I can be real. So if you are choosing to read, I hope you will see God's amazing grace as I do.
"Daily bread" is a phrase I've said all my life in the Lord's prayer, but never until now has it struck me so....so deeply. God's grace and mercy are enough for today. Today.... not weekly, monthly, yearly. Just as He supplied the manna for the Israelites, He is continuing to supply me with enough grace for today. I am trying focus on Him and to live for Him daily. After all, scripture clearly tells us not to worry about tomorrow. This is hard. I am a planner. I want to know what is coming next. The unknown, as you will learn about me, is one of my biggest fears....but that is what always brings me back to Him. I am trying to be thankful for today.
As I have learned in the last several years, God's plan always prevails over mine (thank goodness) and because of such uncertainty in my life right now, I am choosing to "seek daily bread." I hope to do this well, although I fail, over and over again. I am thankful for his mercies that are new every morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)