Satisfy

When all of this came about with MG, I said to myself  "no, no... this is not happening to me and my child." I really was in disbelief for the first two weeks and was so, so fearful and I still am at times. Fearful for MG's life and the difficult road she may face. And at times, I admit, even angry. I have grieved the loss of my dream, the dream of my perfect family and children and the plan I had for them....but God's plan prevails and it is good.
     
As we sat in the waiting room of the orthopedist's office at the beginning of all of this, I began to read the verses in Philippians "be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and petition, with thanks, present your requests to God..." A verse that I had read many, many times in times of fear. But that day I continued to read through the chapter where it says, "for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation." That is where I shut my bible. No thanks, God. I really don't want to go there. I don't want you to teach me what it's like to be content in ALL circumstances. I don't want to go down this path.  I was looking forward to a pleasant, easy life. As I read the words of Amy Carmichael, she speaks of accepting your circumstances, all of them. When are you really ready to accept all that God has put before you and open your hands and say, "Dear Lord, yes." I was saying, "Dear Lord, no."

We would begin to listen to doctors, nurses, specialists and I would search the internet, the internet.... a good, but dangerous place to go. One of the first verses God showed me in Proverbs says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." And I would return to this verse over and over again, knowing in my heart that His plan is best and it is good. It may not be what I want, but I will walk that path, even if I don't like it some days.

Satisfy. A word that kept coming to my mind and then seeing it throughout scripture...."with a long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation"..."satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love"..."my soul will be satisified as with the richest of foods, with singing lips my mouth will praise you." I hunger and thirst for something else, something that only He can fill, not this world. The song "Blessings" by Laura Story (if you haven't heard it, you must) says, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the achings of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy." There was that word again. This world can't satisfy me, although I want it to at times and God does bless us in many ways here...but I am thirsting for another world, one that doesn't disappoint. Isn't this where God wants us to be? To remember, daily, that this is not our home, and for that I am so thankful.

This trial, and there will be more to come, is revealing a greater thirst in me and I know only He can satisfy. Again, Amy Carmichael (my best friend these days) says "He has allowed me to come into these humbling circumstances so that He may feed me, not this world." Allowed. Someone just told me that if we could see all that God was doing in our lives during difficult trials, we would pray for more.